Watching My Lady Jane: Episode 5 recap

In which several characters find their spines and assert themselves and Jane invites the Ethians to the ball.

Image: Prime Video

The lying nun

Edward—who, remember, is not dead—wakes up in a windswept monastery with a bunch of white-gable-hooded nuns looming over him. One of them is his also-not-dead ‘granny’, Margaret Beaufort (actually Edward’s great-grandmother, but whatever). She’s the one who sent Petunia and had her nuns rescue him from the palace and administer a cure for the poison. Hurrah! Edward’s going to be fine!

But wait! Why’s she done all this? Well, turns out, she’s an Ethian (a tortoise, heh), and she tells Edward he’s an Ethian too, he’s just slow to manifest it because royal men are very developmentally stunted. Also heh. But not to worry, she has plans to move this transition along so he can be the first ever Ethian king, and I’m sure those plans won’t involve pain and torture in any way.

By the way, remember the Ethian who tried to rob Jane’s wedding gifts? No, not the one who went after her on the road, the other one who tried to steal the gifts the night of the wedding? Well, he shows up as well, to warn Edward to get out of there. Edward refuses to leave because, remember, this family can’t save themselves to save their lives, and he’s sure his granny means well. Nuns always do in these shows. This Ethian (who is quite cute and can turn into a cat) is named Fitz, by the way.

The man behind the woman

Jane comes to in the gardens, some light bruising on her neck but none the worse for wear for being strangled into several hours’ unconsciousness. She immediately rushes to the stables to check on Guildford. He's fine, off in the pasture or wherever he hangs around all day. The groom tells her that Mary came by, and although she missed Guildford's transition, she did find all the coded letters to Seymour and stole them back.

Jane goes to Dudley and tells him they need to have Mary arrested for attempted murder, but he informs her that Seymour’s provided an alibi for Mary (and publicly claiming that Mary was with him all night should be much more of a scandal than the show makes it out to be) and there are no witnesses. I’m pretty sure a monarch at this time didn’t need witnesses to have someone arrested, especially if that someone had tried to kill said monarch with their bare hands, but anyway…

Jane doesn’t like being blocked at every turn like this, but Dudley tells her she has no allies amongst the nobility and can’t do much to take down Mary. The only mark against Mary, he says, is that she’s an unattached woman, whereas Jane, while a woman, has a man by her side. He urges her to name Guildford king, a notion she rejects out of hand, because Edward made her queen alone. Dudley claims Edward only made her queen so her future son could rule. Meanwhile, Guildford will have to do.

 Like Margaret really needed a mentor

Margaret and Seymour bond over their mutual love of violence and mutual hatred of their own mothers. Kind of cutely, Seymour hands her his sword and shows her how to use it, and they play-fight, then accidentally destroy what I’m sure is a priceless tapestry. Their ‘whoops!’ faces are great.

Meanwhile, Petunia’s urging Elizabeth to skip town. Elizabeth packs up, but before she leaves, she slips a note under Jane’s door, warning her. Somehow, Seymour manages to intercept this note, read it, and beat Elizabeth to her carriage. I’m starting to think this guy might be Ethian, because the only way this is possible is if he can fly. Or apparate. He sends Elizabeth off to house arrest in Kenninghall while Petunia watches. Granny’s not going to be happy about this.

Oh, the Grand Old Princess M, she had 5,000 men

Mary curses her weak thumbs for failing to strangle Jane to death and makes an alliance with the Duke of Norfolk, promising to make him Lord Chancellor if he pledges his 5,000 men to support her claim to the throne. Lord Chancellor’s a job already earmarked for Seymour, but Mary knows no loyalty and agrees to sack Seymour so she can get the support she needs.

Seymour, of course, is not pleased to be tossed aside so unceremoniously, even when Mary tells him they can still ‘shag’. He points out that he’s been doing a lot on her behalf, even befriending the youngest, most psychotic of the Grey sisters, but Mary couldn’t care less. She tells him to suck it up and get ready for his daily spanking. He refuses to assume the position until she respects him professionally, so she dumps him.

I have a cunning plan

At an Ethian encampment, Susannah and Archer discuss a potential alliance with Scotland (for the record: he’s for, and she’s against). The debate’s interrupted by an attack by the Kingsland guards.

Post-attack, Susannah runs to the palace (which seems risky) and is allowed in to see Jane. She demands to know if Jane sent her guards to the encampment, and you’d really think she would know Jane better than this. Jane tells her she did no such thing, then heads into the council chamber and announces she’s disbanding the Kingsland guards, effective immediately, and anyone found disobeying her orders will be hanged. Even Seymour doesn’t have anything to say about that.

The lady’s spreading her wings and feeling good, folks

She turns and leaves the room, with a delighted look on her face. The lady’s spreading her wings and feeling good, folks. Dudley and Seymour tag after her, warning her that this move will probably antagonise a lot of people, who’ll be worried that Ethians will overrun the country. Jane’s determined to make big changes, though, and ignores the two men.

They run into Mary in the hallway, and Mary freaks out a bit when she hears about the guards being disbanded. Jane’s baffled about Mary’s extreme hatred of the Ethians, until Dudley fills her in on the fact that Henry VIII kicked Katherine of Aragon to the curb in favour of the Ethian Anne Boleyn, so Ethians are basically at the core of Mary’s deep trauma. Guildford’s not the only person here who would benefit from some therapy to deal with traumatic memories connected to their mothers, I see. Also, isn’t this something Jane would know?

Jane reflects that Mary’s hatred seems to be a weak point, and she starts to hatch a cunning plan.

Guildford’s not the only person here who would benefit from some therapy to deal with traumatic memories connected to their mothers

She writes a letter for Susannah to take to Archer. Before she goes, Susannah notices some of the books on curing Ethianism that Jane has just lying around, which seems a little careless. She asks for an explanation, and Jane claims she’s just doing cure research for a friend. Susannah tells her there is no cure and shares a story about someone they both knew who died thanks to the Ethian version of conversion therapy. She tells Jane never to question their right to exist again. She didn’t, Susannah. She told you, she was looking for answers for a friend, which is actually true. Nevertheless, Jane apologises.

Jane 1, Frances 0

Frances marches herself to Jane’s room and tells her that Guildford is a horse and she needs to get divorced immediately. Jane, however, is no longer on board with that plan. Her mother tries to pull rank, but Jane reminds her that she is the queen and her mother has no power over her now. Frances sneeringly observes that Jane seems to be in love with her husband, which is news to everyone except for the audience.

Frances next heads to Dudley’s. She orders Stan out of the room, but Stan, starting to get over her nonsense, refuses to leave. Well, look who found his spine! She yells at Dudley about this whole hidden horse issue, and fair enough—this puts her daughter and her whole family at mortal risk, but Dudley just shrugs because what can she do about it now?

Ride, Janie, ride

Jane, meanwhile, marches herself down to the stables, where Guildford’s just changed back. He rushes over to her, concerned, because he heard about Mary throttling her and wants to check that she’s ok. She’s all: Yeah, yeah, later. Right now, kiss me and then strip. Let’s do this thing.

And oh, they do. They made us wait for this one, but it’s worth it: it’s sexy and cute and sweet and a little funny. They comment on what a pain it is to get out of all their layers of clothes (something, I will say, that most period pieces pay no attention to) and they giggle and have fun and Jane has a brief freakout about not knowing what to do and facing a mystery no book could enlighten her on (as a fellow overthinker: I feel her pain here) and Guildford talks her down and it's fine. It’s sweet. There’s explicit consent. Hurrah, the kids’re gonna be all right.

Afterwards, they snuggle and she asks him if he knows his father wants him to be king. He says that’s his father’s dream, but not his, he just wants his cure. She considers telling him there is no cure, but chooses not to, because she doesn’t want to spoil the moment. Fair. She does, however, tell him that she’s inviting Ethians to her coronation banquet that night. He doesn’t think that’s a great idea, because it’ll alienate the nobility, but Jane’s hoping this will provoke Mary to attack her in public, which would be treason. Guildford thinks this is risky, but genius. I think it’s just risky.

Guildford thinks Jane's plan is risky, but genius. I think it’s just risky.

The next night, Jane gets dressed for the banquet while Lemony Narrator reminds us that we’re all peasants who will never have a fancy banquet thrown in our honour. Well, presumably nobody will try to poison me, either, so: wash.

Guildford arrives, all dressed up (he figured out how buttons work!), and gives Jane a pair of earrings that used to belong to his mother. As he puts them on her, he tells her that before she came along, he was in despair and drowning it in all the vices. But now he has hope, thanks to her. I don’t know why, considering everything they’ve tried has failed and Jane herself hasn’t shown much confidence in continuing with this, but I guess hope is pretty much all he has. I mean, I get it, it would suck to have no control over something like this, which is why I think Jane was right that what they need to do is figure out how he can control it, rather than getting rid of it altogether. If he can control it, he can just not change ever, right? Live a normal non-animal life, if that’s what he wants?

Party like its 1599

At the party, Jane and Guildford work the room (try the dolphin! Medium rare!) and are introduced to Norfolk and Lord Scrope, another big landowner. I think he’s the one who Mary threw a castle at a couple of episodes back. They mention riots in Cheapside and Mary swishes by to tell Jane that the people are rioting because of her and her pro-Ethian agenda. Jane’s like: I’m wearing a giant gold dress and I look amazing and have you seen my hot husband, with whom I am now having hot sex? Take your sourpuss over there, will you? And try the dolphin!

But, you know, she does it with her face, not her words.

She saves her words for her speech, in which she tells the assembled crowd of nobility that they really need to end the division in the country and learn to live together peacefully. And to that end, she’s invited some Ethians to come party with them.

Jane’s like: I’m wearing a giant gold dress and I look amazing and have you seen my hot husband, with whom I am now having hot sex? Take your sourpuss over there, will you? And try the dolphin!

The doors open and in come Archer, Susannah, and a few others, all dressed up. The nobles curl their lips and sneer at the sight. Jane invites Mary to make a toast, and instead of trying to throttle Jane, she loses it and makes a scene, which the narrator informs us is just as bad, because the British abhor a scene. The nobles, indeed, curl their lips even harder at Mary as she flees the room, mortified.

Jane thanks Archer for coming to the party. He asks if she really means to end the division laws, and she does. She acknowledges that she never really thought about it until recently, because it didn’t affect her, and she’s not proud of that fact, but she means to be better. He warns her that this will be a long road, that it’ll take years and a lot of negotiating to get the nobles on side. She asks Archer to stay at court for a little while and start working on them, despite his protestations that he’s no diplomat. Geez, Archer, you have to try, though right? Do you want the division laws struck down or not? Help her!

Guildford sidles up to a couple of the Ethians and asks them if they’ve heard anything about a cure. (The two Ethians, by the way, are a couple of obnoxious, entitled Karen types and are rude to the staff, so we already know we’re not meant to like them.) They give Guildford a hard time for a minute, then laugh and ask him why they’d want a cure? They can turn into animals and that’s awesome! He’s like, ‘yeah, yeah, totally great.’

Later, though, one of them follows Guildford back to the stable and tells him there is a cure, actually.

Before that, though, Jane steers Guildford outside and, for some reason, thinks this is a good time to tell him the cure doesn’t exist. In the middle of the party they’re both hosting. Guildford melts the hell down, and when Jane tries to argue that she can fix things, that he doesn’t need a cure, because she’s queen and can change laws and make his Ethianism ok and heal England, he shouts that England can go to hell, why won’t she heal him? ‘I trusted you,’ he finishes, then stomps off.

Guildford, I get that you’re upset and undoubtedly misdirecting your anger and frustration here, but how did she betray your trust, exactly? She agreed to try to find a cure, and she has tried, over and over again, and you’ve both been told by credible sources that the cure does not exist. What do you expect her to do? She’s not magical, she can’t work miracles!

Stan's decided that love is dead. Wow, Frances really did a number on him, didn’t she? I can’t believe I feel bad for the urchin kicker.

Back at the party, a way blinged-out Katherine notices a cute boy and asks Stan to introduce them. This is William, and he works for Norfolk. Stan refuses the introduction, because he’s decided that love is dead. Wow, Frances really did a number on him, didn’t she? I can’t believe I feel bad for the urchin kicker.

No worries: Cute William is coming over anyway. He tells Katherine he likes her dress, and she responds with: My sister dressed me. Even Margaret winces. William laughs and peaces out. Stan’s like: wooooow.

Frances comes over to knock the goblet out of Margaret’s hand and order both her daughters off to bed. Stan pants. I guess love isn’t dead after all.

Nothing can surprise me

Jane returns to her room, sad because she and Guildford are fighting again, and it’s just not fun the way it used to be. As soon as the servants leave, Petunia appears in her human form, scaring the hell out of Jane, and tells her she’s Edward’s dog.

Jane (wearily): Of course you are.

Ha!

Petunia says she has evidence Jane can use against Mary and Seymour. Jane is delighted, but I want to know why Petunia waited so long for this. Though I have to be honest, I have no sense of time here anymore. Jane and Guildford’s wedding was, what, a couple of weeks back in show-time? Jane’s been queen for a few days now?

Run away! Run away!

Margaret brings her toy sword to Seymour’s study so she can pretend to slaughter Ethians. Question: why does Margaret hate Ethians so much? It doesn’t seem like a family thing, Jane was more intrigued by them than anything, Katherine doesn’t seem bothered, and Frances is only bothered insofar as Guildford’s situation threatens their family. It’s not like it seems as if she was raised in a rabidly anti-Ethian household, so what’s her deal? Does she just want to hurt people? Who are easy targets? This child is deeply disturbing.

Why does Margaret hate Ethians so much? Does she just want to hurt people? Who are easy targets? This child is deeply disturbing.

Which means, of course, that Seymour is fond of her. He calls her Poppet and very quickly winkles out of her the news that Jane’s found the herb-woman from the market who sold Seymour and Mary the poison. Lemony Narrator smarms that, if you’re going to buy poison from someone in the marketplace, make sure you tie up all those loose ends. It’s called being detail-oriented.

Seymour swoops up Mary and the two of them escape (guess they’re back together now?) so when Jane arrives at Mary’s room with guards to arrest her, the place is empty.

And, so, the herbalist just happily admitted to selling extremely lethal poisons to whomever? She freely admitted to being an accessory to the king’s murder? I… guess so? She’s even brought to the palace, not seeming to be under arrest or anything. Weird, guys.