Watching My Lady Jane: Episode 3 recap

In which Jane goes full action girl and then almost gets some action, and Margaret graduates to murder.

If at first you don't succ-steed

Jane's thrown herself into researching a cure for Guildford, sitting on a bed strewn with books, making notes. Guildford himself shows up and is surprised to see her still awake so late. Guil: if you thought she was asleep, why were you knocking on her door and bursting into her room, hmmm?). Oh, it's because it's almost dawn and it's time to try yet another cure that will probably fail.

Jane asks for details about the first time he changed, thinking that might give her some useful clues, which she's absolutely right about, but he's tight-lipped on this matter.

On their way to the stables, Jane suggests they consider finding a way to control Guildford's change instead of trying to cure it. No go - he considers this a curse and wants to be de-Ethianed, even if it kills him. She accuses him of being melodramatic, and he calls her argumentative, which she fully owns.

In the stables, she mixes something up and rubs it on his earlobes, then starts up a latin incantation meant to drive the Ethianism from Guildford's soul. It doesn't work. Lemony Narrator tells us that Jane can not, in fact, work magic, because this isn't that kind of story.

Jane is stumped, and she's not happy about it.

Plan B

Dudley's locked up in the Tower, insisting he's innocent and needs to warn the king that he's still in grave danger. His guard, George, tells him there are rumours the king's already dead, so that ship has likely sailed. Dudley begs him to bring him Stan so he can find out what's happening with the will.

Stan arrives and tells his dad the will's missing, so they need a Plan B. Dudley says he needs an alibi (to a long-term poisoning?). Stan suggests they say the two of them were on a father-son jaunt (but haven't lots of people seen them around lately? They just hosted a very public wedding, and then Dudley was at court). Dudley says that won't work because nobody would believe he'd want to spend extra time bonding with either of his sons. Ouch. There's a lot to unpack in the parent-child relationships on this show. Stan suggests they involve Guildford, but Dudley tells him to keep his brother out of this.

There's a lot to unpack in the parent-child relationships on this show

Stan's sent back to Frances to ask for her help. She's unconcerned about the fact Dudley's about to be boiled alive, even though you'd think she'd take a moment to reflect that it's not great to have your daughter married to the son of a traitor. But she has another wedding on her mind: that of Katherine and Leicester. Yeeek!

(And because I notice these things and am keeping track: Frances, Stan, and Katherine are once again all in blue, Leicester's in black, and Margaret's in pink. Separating characters out...)

50 shades of Grey

Mary and Seymour are celebrating the king's apparent death with some S&M. I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that this is based on a book that was written for 13-year-olds. This was a choice, and I'm not sure it's a good one, but here we are. Because we're being all feminist about this, Mary's the one doling out the chainmail spanking.

Edward's death is still a bit of a secret. Rumours are flying, but it hasn't been officially announced. Elizabeth's getting suspicious, and Mary wants to go ahead and announce the death so she can take the throne and be done with it. Problem is, Edward's will is still missing, something Seymour knows but Mary doesn't, and they can't move anything forward until that will is found. Seymour lies to Mary that he totally has the will in his possession, then sends a couple of his Kingsland guards to kill Guildford and Jane to take out the competition. The guards are so eager to do this even Seymour seems creeped out.

Because we're being all feminist about this, Mary's the one doling out the chainmail spanking.

Mary announces to the court that Edward's at death's door and that he wants her to be queen after him and expand the division laws and eliminate the Ethian menace.

One nobleman speaks up and says they'll need to see a body and a will before she can start making decisions like that. Mary throws him a castle to shut him up.

Mary dismisses everyone and tells Elizabeth that Edward's already dead. Elzabeth's sad, Mary's excited about being England's first queen, and Elizabeth kind of rictus smiles against her sister's enthusiasm.

Seymour apparently has a secret Ethian zoo at the Tower, and he's solving this issue with the missing will by having one of the Ethians forge a new will. Once this is done to his satisfaction, he has the Ethian change (into a cricket) and steps on him. Hope you never need anything else forged, ever, Seymour.

Ladyhawke-napped

While Guildford spends his days cropping grass in the pasture, Jane finds a ransom note from the Pack demanding payment for the safe release of Susannah. She demands the housekeeper hand over anything of value she can use, but the lady's not having it. She goes all Mrs Danvers talking about Guildford's mother, though, and seems about to say something useful about her death and Guildford, but cuts herself off.

That evening, Guildford and his immense attitude come to dinner. Jane shows him the ransom note and asks for the money, freaking out that the Pack must have turned on Susannah when they saw her talking to Jane in the tavern. Guildford tells her they don't have the money because his father has nothing but debts.

Jane is pissed, because the whole reason she wound up in this mess is because her mother was after a rich husband for her. Guildford says he didn't arrange this marriage, and now I'm a little confused, because I thought he wanted to marry Jane so he could get her to cure his Ethianism. Did Dudley arrange it purely for the royal connection, and Guildford saw another opportunity? Maybe.

Jane grabs some candlesticks and gets ready to rescue Susannah on her own, but Guildford gets serious and worried very quickly and tells her the Ethians won't kill each other, but they'd definitely kill her. Because even he thinks they're all evil, I guess. He threatens to forbid her from going and she basically laughs in his face. He goes for the wine instead and sulkily tells her to enjoy getting herself killed.

When is a dagger not just a dagger?

Jane heads off into the woods to pay Susannah's ransom, realising a little too late that tromping around in a dark forest in the middle of the night alone isn't the best idea. Fortunately Guildford shows up to act as her wingman, almost getting brained with a rock because of course she didn't know that he was the person following her. She thought he was a vagabond or a brigand or something, and he replies that he's far too handsome to be a vagabond. Or a brigand. Heh. He suggests she find a bigger rock next time. Why? So she can actually kill you, Guildford?

He starts to say that he's only there because dead wives bring unwanted attention to their husbands, but when she rolls her eyes and starts to stomp off, he abandons the dickitude and reminds her that she asked for his help, so here he is. Good boy. Was that so hard?

This is one of those rare cases of an enemies-to-lovers story that works for me

(I will say, though, that this is one of those rare cases of an enemies-to-lovers story that works for me. I usually hate this trope because too often it's handled poorly, with one character--usually the man--going way too far on the enemies part, to the point where the whole thing wanders into abusive territory. Extra terrible if there's a power imbalance between the two. It's disturbing. But here, the two are evenly matched in every way, giving as good as they're getting, and it's obvious there's a strong attraction from the go, so it's not so much of a leap to move between fighting and snogging. Also, the chemistry between these two actors is top notch, which it would have to be, considering how much this relationship drives the show. Great job, actors and casting director.)

Back to it: there's a bit about daggers that exists entirely to set up a Crocodile Dundee reference and then him mansplaining how to hold a dagger to her. She informs him that she learned combat alongside Edward and it's Guildford, in fact, who's holding his dagger wrong and she could disarm him in 15 seconds flat. He dares her to put her money where her mouth is on that one, and she offers a wager: if she wins, he has to answer any question she has. If he wins, same.

Sexy fighting! They're both good (I guess, this isn't my area of expertise), but Jane does, in fact, win fairly quickly. And they almost kiss, because of course they do.

He's gracious in defeat, but when she asks him her question (tell me about the first time you changed), he refuses. I find myself wondering what his question would have been, if he'd won.

They continue their journey, sniping at each other, as they do. He wonders why she's going through all this just for a maid, and she tells him how horrible things were in her home after her father died, with the whole family falling apart and she had no one to talk to, until Susannah finally asked her how she was doing, something nobody else had bothered to do. Susannah, she says, always cared and made Jane laugh. Guildford seems a little touched by this.

They go on, not sniping. But at the edge of the Ethian encampment, they spot Susannah, very much not a prisoner. Jane's hurt, and Guildford suggests they get out of there, because this is obviously a setup.

But Jane, once again not showing any sense of self-preservation whatsoever, goes to confront Susannah instead. GIRL! She yells at Susannah for tricking her, but Susannah says that all the Ethians' lives are in danger, since they're being hunted by the new Kingsland guards. She insists that the Pack are not the dangerous criminals they're made out to be. Sure, they steal, but that's for survival! And they try not to hurt anyone. I feel like 'try' is doing some heavy lifting, there. Remember when one of them tried to abduct Jane because she was 'the only thing of value'?

Jane pulls the 'I thought you were my friend' line, and Susannah's response is, 'do most of your friends scrub your floors for you?' She has a point, but ouch anyway. Susannah tells her that her family beat her and threw her out after she changed and the Pack saved her how helped her find a job with Jane's family (how? If they're all outlaws?).

Jane hands over the silver she brought and they have a nice moment, but then someone outside starts screaming and Guildford calls for Jane. Seymour's two psycho guards have found one of the Ethians and are happily stabbing him.

Jane tells Susannah to change and fly away, which she does. Jane and Guildford try to escape, but she can only run so fast in a dress, and then she trips and falls and the guards catch up with them.

They quickly reveal that they know who Jane and Guildford are and have been sent to kill them. Jane and Guildford exchange a look that's 100%: yeah, we can take 'em.

 Jane and Guildford exchange a look that's 100%: yeah, we can take 'em

Guildford disarms one and starts fighting both, telling Jane to go. But she's trained for combat (and possibly better at it), so of course she doesn't. Instead she grabs a very big rock (ha!) and smashes the older guard on the head, then shows off some unnecessarily fancy sword skills that impress both the younger guard and Guildford. She and Guildford double team the guy, slashing him up and sending him running. Guys - FINISH HIM OFF.

Instead, they let him escape so they can finally have that big damn kiss they've been waiting almost three whole episodes for.

Back at the house, they strip down while Lemony Narrator tells us that if you ever have a chance to get laid after foiling an attempt by your cousin's soldiers to have you killed, you should take it, because it's likely to be super hot.

They allllllmost get there, but then Jane somehow snaps herself out of this moment to tell Guildford she still wants that divorce. GIRL! I guess I admire her ability to refocus. Mood now killed, set on fire, and ashes buried, she wraps herself in a sheet and tells him this is crazy. He agrees and he and his blue balls retreat.

Just before dawn, he comes back to see how she's doing and also to finally tell her about the first time he changed. It happened the day his mother was murdered, and he'd really rather not talk about it. She tells him she's sorry and agrees to leave it all at that.

He heads back to the stables, as Lemony Narrator muses that, if therapists existed at this time, Guildford might be a different man, and this would be a different story. Alas: that's not the case.

The perfect pear

Katherine and Leicester have their wedding reception, and Katherine looks stunned by what's happened to her. And by what's going to happen, likely. Not so excited about the bedding ceremony now, are you? Talk about getting nuked by karma.

Not so excited about the bedding ceremony now, are you, Katherine? Talk about getting nuked by karma.

Leicester is gross and misogynist, as you'd expect. Frances is feeling as guilty as Frances ever can over this marriage, and being a bit mean to Stan when he tries to put the moves on her. She tells him off, reminding him that she's as independant a woman as the Tudor upper classes can produce, and is his superior in every way. She doesn't want or need him. Stan gives her the eye and calls attention to his oversized codpiece, and she tells him to wait for her in another room.

Katherine's going to be spared her wedding night for one day, at least. Frances told the servants to get Leicester drunk, so he passes out.

Early the next morning, Margaret goes down to the great hall, shoves a pear into the sleeping Leicester's mouth, and suffocates him. Katherine sees all this and smiles in delight. I understand her relief, but is she not concerned at all that her 10-year-old sister has graduated to straight up murder?

No, she is not, and neither is Frances, who comes in immediately afterwards, sees dead Leicester, figures out what happened, grabs the pear and starts eating it. Ewwww.

So, Katherine's a widow now. And a duchess.

God save the queen

Edward's death is officially announced. Seymour and Mary prepare to have their fake will read out so Mary can take the throne. The only problem is it's missing the royal seal, but Seymour doesn't think anyone will notice.

But wait! The real will is in the hands of... Elizabeth, who apparently stole it. For... reasons, I guess. She asks Petunia what she should do, and Petunia grabs the will and rushes off to the throne room, where the council has gathered. She drops the will at the feet of Edward's servant, Arthur, who opens it.

A messenger is sent to Jane and informs her that she's now queen. Jane is very upset by all of this.