Watching My Lady Jane: Episode 6 recap

In which our heroine hits the Peter Principle hard and I start to wonder if the Ethians actually are the baddies.

I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse

Jane’s in a weirdly good mood, considering she just had a massive fight with her husband and had her murderous cousin slip through her fingers to parts unknown. Lemony Narrator says that sending her enemy on the run has given her an enormous sense of euphoria. ‘Goddamn, what a rush,’ LN deadpans. Ha! But if it were me, I think I’d be a bit freaked out about the fact that the person trying to actively murder me and take my throne (not necessarily in that order) is in the wind, rallying support. I guess Jane’s a glass-half-full kinda gal.

With all this unease in the air, Norfolk and the other disapproving men ask her if she intends to keep pursuing this Ethian equality thing. Of course Jane does, because she listens to no one and has no idea how any of this works.

If it were me, I think I’d be a bit freaked out about the fact that the person trying to actively murder me and take my throne (not necessarily in that order) is in the wind, rallying support. I guess Jane’s a glass-half-full kinda gal.

Look, Jane, I like you, and I totally support you wanting to do away with the division laws, and I realise you have pressing personal reasons to want to push this through, but this is such a bad move. You’ve been told repeatedly by both councillors and Ethians that this is something that will take time, care, and effort. Right now, you have bigger things to deal with, like solidifying your place on the throne and getting a solid wall of support behind you. Once you’ve got that sorted, you can turn your attention to this, but you’re not going to get anything done if you don’t have the support of the people who control the armies.

Yes, that’s right: Jane has no army of her own. Professional armies weren’t really a thing in this period. Noblemen basically raised troops, and then monarchs borrowed them. And nobody wants to lend Jane so much as a handkerchief right now. They’re definitely not keen on handing over their armies to start searching for Mary.

Just to underline how unpopular Jane is right now, some random woman strolls right into the throne room, aims a crossbow, pledges her allegiance to Mary, and fires. Archer knocks Jane out of the way at the last second, and the arrow just grazes her neck. That neck’s really been taking a beating this week, hasn’t it?

Frances and Dudley warn her to let this Ethians thing go, at least for now. Dudley tells her that half the court has left, taking their retainers with them, so Jane traps the rest of them at court by inviting them all to a mandatory tournament.

Archer warns her that men like this don’t change, they’re defined by their bigotry. Jane says they’ll just have to make them all think they’ve won until Mary is gone. Archer calls her an interesting woman and there’s a… moment, is the only way I can describe it. Put a pin in that.

Drama queen

At nightfall, Jane goes to the stables to tell Guildford everything that’s happened (and hopefully make up), but she’s told by Rupert the groom that Guildford’s gone. He did tell Rupert to tell Jane that he’s sorry and that he didn’t think she’d understand. She tries not to cry as she walks away.

She goes to Dudley and announces that Guildford’s left her, which is a rather melodramatic way of putting it. He left, yes, but to say he left her implies that he abandoned the marriage or has no intention of coming back, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

Dudley doesn’t seem too concerned, saying that this Ethianism is Guildford’s only flaw (well… much as I like the guy, I don’t think that’s true) and that it’s only right he should try and fix himself, since Jane failed.

She accuses Dudley of being the problem here, for making Guildford feel defective and sending him away when he was young. Dudley says he did that for Guildford’s protection, and to protect his own place at court. He also tries to push that ‘make him king’ nonsense again, and Jane just has no time for that at all.

The tortoise and the heir

Granny is, indeed, attempting to unlock Edward’s Ethianism through torture. She’s well versed in doing so, having once chopped off Edward’s uncle, Prince Arthur’s, toe (it didn’t work: he didn’t change until he got scared of a bee. And then Henry VIII smothered him to death anyway.) The reason she’s so intent on having Edward be the first Ethian king is so he can carry out a full genocide on the Verities.

Edward is not on board with this and wants to get out of there. Fortunately, Fitz is still hanging around, ready to help Edward escape, for a price. Edward seems a little disappointed that Fitz isn’t offering to save his life for less altruistic reasons but agrees to make it worth his while.

Fitz is still hanging around, ready to help Edward escape, for a price

When they go to escape, though, one of the nuns catches Fitz in his cat form and threatens to kill him if Edward doesn’t go back to his room like a good boy. But remember how good Jane is at fighting? Remember how she mentioned she learned it alongside Edward? Yeah, he shows us just how good he is, against a nun who whips out an actual spiked ball-and-chain, prompting Edward to fully wonder just what the hell kind of insane nunnery this is anyway. He gets the upper hand on her and Fitz is amazed that someone would actually try to save his life. They escape.

Race for the cure

Guildford and that Ethian (who I don’t think ever gets a name, but he turns into a polecat, and he’s a total POS, so I’m just going to call him Polecat now) are walking through the woods together, Polecat nattering on about his own marriage, which is complicated by the fact that his wife’s a mouse. Guildford sulkily says he’d never change to his animal form, if he had the choice, and Polecat describes how amazing it feels, heart beating fast, skin tingly, and for a second you’re totally free. Guildford’s face is a little hard to read. It seems like the words hit home, but I’m not sure if it’s because he’s thinking of turning into an animal or thinking of being with Jane, honestly.

The two stop for a rest and Polecat heads off to catch a squirrel for them to eat, asking Guildford to light them a fire while he’s gone. Guildford’s so intent on this quest for a cure that he fails to notice some wicked looking hooks and chains on some nearby trees. He gets the fire going, and Polecat whacks him over the head, knocking him out.

Burn not(e)ice

Over dinner at court, Stan sends Frances a love note, which she conspicuously burns while also flirting with Lord Scrope, who she knows has a huge army and an equally huge… crush on her.

Katherine uses Margaret to send a note to William, but before Margaret will hand it over, he has to answer a question: Would you rather have no fingers or no teeth? He votes to ditch the digits, because he likes eating. Margaret accepts that answer, probably filing his preference away to use in later tortures. William reads the note, approaches Katherine and… turns and walks away. She almost dies of mortification. Looks like everyone's getting burned tonight.

But a couple of days on, she meets William in a corridor and he apologises for being so awkward. He’s just never dated or flirted or, apparently, been taught basic manners. Katherine says that she, too, is inexperienced as hell, and the two start making out in a nearby stairwell.

Frances comes upon them, sends William packing, and tells Katherine that William is Seymour’s son. (Why the hell didn’t he or Seymour even acknowledge each other before this, then? They were both at the coronation banquet. Weird.) She’s sure he’s just trying to use Katherine to get info on Jane and warns her to stay away from him.

Bowling for Ethian-mine

Jane’s all depressed and heartsick and feeling like she has nothing left but her career, which is a shame, because her career isn’t going so well.

It’s the day of the tournament, but a massive thunderstorm has derailed it. Dudley’s upset about all his elaborate plans going to waste thanks to the weather and calls it all a failure. Jane says she never fails, and Lemony Narrator rightly calls bullshit and reminds us that Jane fails constantly. I have to admit, as much as I like her, she’s failed at almost everything we’ve seen her try to do so far. Except finally hook up with that hot guy she met in a tavern back in episode one. That was definitely a success.

Jane’s Plan B is to instead stage a bowling tournament amongst the members of the court. Norfolk is all, ‘What fresh hell is this?’ but before long everyone’s having fun and the Lemony Narrator is telling us not to bother trying to figure out how this game works, because it looks pretty barmy. I’m going to assume this is at least somewhat period accurate, because it’s just so nuts I can’t quite believe they just made it all up. Then again, who knows?

I have to admit, as much as I like her, Jane's failed at almost everything we’ve seen her do so far. Except finally hook up with that hot guy she met in a tavern back in episode one. That was definitely a success.

Jane tries to get Norfolk and Archer to team up, and while Archer’s game, Norfolk is not. He agrees to bowl against Archer and proposes a wager: if he wins, division laws stand. Jane blanches at the idea of something so important hanging on a game but Archer agrees to take Norfolk on. He winks at Jane and tells her to trust him.

Archer, it turns out, is an excellent bowler, despite it being a game for the aristocracy only. Because he’s an aristocrat: the son of a lord who was sent to live in France after his Ethianism emerged while his family put the word out that he died. He returned, though, and I guess he couldn’t really go home, so presumably that’s how he ended up leading the Pack.

He makes an absolutely impossible shot and wins. Division laws are gone!

Hahahaha, as if.

Norfolk’s so mad he throws his ball over his shoulder and smashes Stan’s nose.

Jane tends to Stan, who tells her he heard Guildford left. Jane’s still smarting over the fact he didn’t even say goodbye. Stan kind of sweetly tells her that the Dudley men’s hearts tend to be in the right place, but they just really suck at relationships and communication.

Jane admits she wasn’t perfect, because she could have been kinder and listened to him.

Stan says his brother’s on a quest for forgiveness but when Jane asks for more details on that, Stan actually shuts up and says she should ask Guildford when he returns.

Frances 1, Jane 0

Lord Scrope comes to see Jane and immediately proposes to her. Jane reminds him that she’s already married, but he reveals that he has good intel from her mother that that won’t be the case for much longer.

Jane bursts into her mother’s room, shouting at her for giving Scrope the idea that Jane could ever marry him. Frances calmly cops to it and explains that an alliance with Scrope guarantees his massive army and, therefore, the Greys’ survival. Scrope may be a fool, but he’s loyal and would be easy to control.

She goes on to remind Jane that Mary is out there, conspiring to take the throne, but Jane’s too wrapped up in this Ethian situation and her horse-husband to focus on the important things she has to deal with. She gives herself away, though, and Jane realises that Frances has arranged it so Guildford will, in fact, never come back.

Stan listens in to this whole conversation from the corridor, which is nice and easy because Jane left the door wide open. How does the whole palace not know Guildford’s secret at this point? These people are so unsubtle! Anyway, Stan looks horrified.

Jane goes to the stables, prepared to ride off after Guildford (does she even know where he is?). Rupert the groom tells her it’s too dangerous and offers to go instead, promising to bring Guildford back.

I mean, it’s not like you need to be able to see to chop wood or anything, right?

Guildford comes to, chained by neck and wrists to a tree. Polecat informs him that they’re waiting for the Beast Trader, who I’m sure is a very kind person. You know, like Edward’s granny.

Guildford eventually resorts to near begging and Polecat tells him to provide one good reason he should release Guildford. Guildford’s reason is Jane, and Polecat, being a terrible excuse for a human, strings him along for a second before making it clear he’s not letting Guildford go.

Time for logic. Guildford points out that the iron around his neck will kill him as soon as he changes at daylight, and then he’ll earn the man nothing. Polecat tells him he’ll be cured if he’s dead. Cold, man. But no matter, the Beast Trader will be there before dawn anyway.

Thankfully, Guildford comes upon a man who’s out chopping wood in the dead of night, as you do

Plan C. Guildford asks for a drink, and when Polecat gets close enough, Guildford bashes him in the face and manages to get the key off him. He unchains his wrists but Polecat attacks him before Guildford can get the collar off. Guildford threatens him with a knife, so Polecat throws the key (which he managed to get back) off into the woods somewhere, never to be found. Guildford, for some reason, does not just gut this man, but runs off into the woods while Polecat tauntingly calls after him that dawn is coming. I hope a wolf gets this guy.

Thankfully, Guildford comes upon a man who’s out chopping wood in the dead of night, as you do, and begs for help. He admits that he’s Ethian and will die at dawn if the collar doesn’t come off. Fortunately, the man’s sympathetic and uses his axe to get the thing off (some precision work that must have been really difficult in the dark—Guildford got lucky there). The sun rises, and Guildford changes into a horse, thankful, for the first time in his life, that he can do so and really pour on the speed as he gallops back towards London and Jane.

Not my circus, not my monkeys

Dudley bursts into Jane’s room and tells her that Norfolk and the others have left, and Mary’s been spotted on the London Road with 10,000 men.

Jane goes to Archer, tells him what’s going on, and asks him how many Ethians he can rally. Archer’s like, meh, not my problem, really. He won’t send Ethians to be slaughtered. So, you’ll just stand by while the person who’s actually committed to helping you is overthrown and someone committed to wiping all of you out takes her place? Archer, you idiot! Mary will slaughter them!

Also: who are you to make this decision for them?

Ok, actually, can we talk about the Ethians for a second? Because I feel like this show messed up a bit there. With a couple of exceptions (like Guildford and Petunia), all the Ethians we’ve met have been various flavour of criminal. We’ve had a lot of thieves (one of whom maybe implied he was going to sexually assault Jane), kidnappers, con artists, and a genocidal tortoise given to torturing the men in her family. That’s messed up. The Ethians don’t seem all that great, really, and you can see why people would be afraid of them, considering they seem committed to fulfilling all the terrible stereotypes people have. And yes, there is an argument to be made that because they’ve been forced underground a lot of them have to resort to petty crime to survive, but we know from Susannah that they’re capable of getting each other good jobs, and some of the worst of them don’t seem to have been forced into anything (Granny, Polecat). So, I’m not sure that stands. Also: it's not just petty crime they engage in. Apparently at least one of them is engaged in Ethian trafficking, selling other Ethians to a 'Beast Trader'. They're even a danger to each other.

It's  just… a little hard to be on the Ethians’ side and to completely discount all the people who think they’re dangerous when they do, in fact, seem to be dangerous and threatening.

Were the writers trying to set up some kind of love triangle for season two? Because that’s kind of making me glad there was no season two.

Anyway, Archer sucks, IMHO, and he won’t help Jane. She asks him why he stayed when she asked him to and he whispers that he doesn’t know and they get very close and it feels like they’re going to kiss or something. Were the writers trying to set up some kind of love triangle for season two? Because that’s kind of making me glad there was no season two.

Jane backs away and naively says that when the people find out what she’s done they’ll support her. Well, the Ethian ones might, and as Archer told Norfolk earlier, there are a lot of them hiding in plain sight, so maybe Jane’s right? Archer doesn’t think so. Of course. Not that he's going to lift a finger here. You just go back to writing your letters or whatever you're doing, Archer, while someone who wants you dead is marching your way. Moron.

Things fall apart

Stan passes Frances in the corridor and she notices that he’s completely ignoring her. He stops ignoring her long enough to tell her he knows what she did to his brother. Frances puts the blame back on him, saying she wouldn’t have known anything about Guildford in the first place if he hadn’t told her. Please, like Frances wouldn’t have found out without Stan. Maybe it would have taken her an extra day or two, but she definitely would have noticed that Guildford kept disappearing, and probably would have wondered what was up.

Stan stomps off, and Frances tells a passing servant to get the royal carriage ready.

Jane abolishes the division laws, and just after she finishes signing, her mother bursts in urgently tells her they have to run, because Mary’s coming. Jane refuses and gets all hopeful for a second when Norfolk strolls into the almost empty throne room. But he hasn’t come to offer support, he’s here to tell her she pushed things too far. What a sore loser.

Seymour comes in and orders guards to arrest everyone. Frances shoves Jane through a door and tells her to get the hell out of there. Guards arrest her and Katherine as Jane flees down a corridor.

She makes it outside, only to be met by Mary and a whole lot of soldiers. Seymour comes up behind her. Jane’s trapped. Or, as Lemony Narrator tells us, thoroughly f’d.