Watching My Lady Jane: Episode 7 recap

In which all of our main characters pass the idiot ball so hard and fast between them I consider just getting drunk with Frances.

God save the queen (no, not that one, the other one)

We pick up immediately where we left off, with Jane facing Mary and her huge army. Seymour forces her to kneel, and Guildford arrives on the outskirts of the nearby woods just in time to see Seymour take the crown off Jane’s head and hand it to Mary, who crowns herself.

The title screen changes back to My Lady Jane.

Mary goes to address her court. She gives a speech about protecting them from their enemies (we all know who she means here) and announces that she intends to execute Jane for her treachery. Katherine bursts into tears when she hears this and Frances is stoic but does not seem unaffected by the idea of her eldest going headless in the near future.

Apart from the court, Mary scolds Elizabeth for not being happier that Mary’s queen. Mary’s willing to let bygones be bygones, but if Elizabeth puts a toe out of line, Mary will execute her too.

At least you’ll have time to work on your herb book now!

Jane’s sent back home under house arrest. The servants are all sad and weeping over her fate, and she tries to comfort them as only an obnoxiously overeducated person can. She asks the guards if there’s any news of her husband, sisters, ‘even my mother?’ Heh. They shove her into her bedroom without telling her anything.

Jane doesn’t like that she doesn’t have a plan.

Let’s be friends

Frances has a plan, though. She thinks Mary’s more insecure than evil and just needs a good friend.

Katherine suggests they try to get Elizabeth to help them, but Frances points out there are custards with more spine. True, and that makes this a very odd take on Elizabeth, to be honest. Of all the adjectives that might spring to mind when you think of one of England’s most celebrated monarchs, I don’t think ‘weak’ makes the list.

Frances knows from family experience that not every betrayal of a monarch results in execution. Sometimes you can come back from this, if you know how to play the game, and Frances certainly knows how to play it.

This is avery odd take on Elizabeth. Of all the adjectives that might spring to mind when you think of one of England’s most celebrated monarchs, I don’t think ‘weak’ makes the list.

But not well enough. She goes to Mary and lays it on thick, but Mary’s not hearing it. She’s determined to execute Jane ASAP.

Mary also announces she’s making Margaret one of her ladies-in-waiting, as a reward for tipping Seymour off that Jane was about to capture him and Mary. Without Margaret, they wouldn’t have had time to get away, and they’d both be in the Tower and Jane would still be on the throne. Isn’t that funny?

Frances, of course, doesn’t think so. She bursts back into her room and yells at Margaret (probably about 10 years too late), accusing her of helping Mary escape. Margaret, scared for a change instead of being scary herself, says it was an accident and she didn’t mean to tell Seymour anything important. Maybe this’ll teach this family not to discuss important things where they can be overheard by people likely to repeat them.

Enraged, Frances calls Margaret a wild, ungodly, curdled child and tells her to get lost. Margaret runs off, looking upset, then angry.

But kangaroo courts are such fun!

At dinner with the court, Mary toasts to the death of Jane. Norfolk’s all, ‘ahem’. He tells her she can’t just execute Jane because she feels like it. Seymour accuses him of being a flip-flopper, a reference so random and rather obscure that I almost missed it, and I lived through that flip-flopper era in American politics.

Norfolk points out that executing Jane without due process is something a tyrant would do, and the English have moved on from tyrants since Henry VIII died. Also, some of Jane’s notions of getting rid of division laws are proving popular with those commoners you annoyingly have to keep onside. Even Seymour starts to agree and reminds Mary how her father used a public trial to wreck Anne Boleyn’s whole memory and reputation (and yes, Elizabeth is sitting right next to him, having to listen to this).

If there’s anything guaranteed to make Mary happy, it’s a reminder of how Anne Boleyn suffered. And the possibility of doing the same to Jane is enticing, so she agrees to a public trial.

Elizabeth speaks up and urges Mary to pardon Jane and send her away instead. She says that Jane will be forgotten in a month if she’s out of sight, and her supporters will fall away, but if they put her on trial and, worse, execute her, they’ll create a martyr.

Petunia, for whatever reason, decides this is a good time to take on her human form and try to assassinate Mary. In a room full of Mary’s supporters and guards. These people really are passing the idiot ball at an astonishing pace.

It doesn’t work, of course, and Elizabeth urges Petunia to run. Petunia does, after turning into her dog form again. Mary rages at Elizabeth and orders her locked up.

Slumdogs

Edward and Fitz arrive at the palace gates and Edward demands to be let in to see Mary. That goes as well as you might think, and Fitz lets him swing for a bit before noticing Seymour coming out. He bundles Edward away, telling the guards he’s not king, he’s just crazy.

He takes Edward to a tavern, which Edward is delighted to note is a ‘real sh*thole’. He’s always wanted to come to a gross peasant place like this. Fitz has brought them here to meet someone who might be able to get Edward into the palace.

While they wait, one of the patrons turns into a bat and drunkenly flies into a wall, and Edward realises this is an Ethian bar. He’s surprised, because these places are supposed to be against the law, but Fitz casually tells him that you can’t outlaw people. No, but you sure can make life extremely difficult for certain people, Fitz, which is horrible and is what’s happening here.

You can't outlaw people, but you certainly can make life extremely difficult for some of them

Anyway, Edward and Fitz are having some cute held-gaze moments, and Fitz tells him a little bit about his twin sister, Alice, but clams up when Edward asks where she is now. Fortunately, their contact arrives: Charles! He’s an Ethian too, because of course he is. They really are everywhere, just like Archer said. Where is Archer? Did he manage to sneak out of the palace before Mary arrived? I guess so.

Charles is shocked but delighted to see that Edward’s alive.

You’re not the boss of me!

Stan and Dudley are tucked up at the safehouse in the woods they have on hand. Guildford finds them there and tries to get his father and brother to help him rescue Jane. Dudley refuses and points out that Guildford has no plan and no chance of success. There’s nothing they can do to keep Jane from being beheaded.

Guildford, of course, is ready to go it alone, but his father orders him to stay put. Does he really think that’s going to work? I mean, Guildford tried the 'you have to obey me' thing with Jane on their wedding night and got slapped down so hard I think he's still smarting from it. He learned from the best how not to let a Dudley dictate to you.

Apparently, Dudley’s kind of traumatised by having seen his father be executed when he was all of six years old, and he’s not willing to see his sons go to the block as well.

Guildford reminds his father that he’s the reason Jane’s about to die, having schemed to put her on the throne in the first place. Dudley still won’t help, so off Guildford goes, on his own.

Come on, baby, and (don’t) rescue me!

Jane’s told she’s getting a trial, which excites her, because at least now she kind of knows what to expect. She grabs a bunch of books from the law library she apparently keeps in her room and works deep into the night, reading and taking notes until she reads herself to sleep.

Outside, Guildford sneaks up to the house while the Lemony Narrator invites us all to appreciate Guildford’s swoon-worthy bravado, along with his calves and glutes. Hee! Lemony knows what’s up.

Guildford scales the side of the house, slips into Jane’s room, and gently wakes her. There’s a fair bit of, ‘You’re here! You’re alive! Yay! But you left me! But also kiss me. But also, I’m annoyed because you left.’ And he’s apologising and kissing her and not at all surprised that it was her mother who almost got him trafficked and murdered. Family holidays are going to be awkward as hell once this is all over.

Lemony Narrator invites us all to appreciate Guildford’s swoon-worthy bravado, along with his calves and glutes. Hee!

He tells her they need to leave right away, but she refuses to go with him. JANE! GIRL! USE YOUR BRAIN! God, the idiocy!

She thinks that if she escapes, her family will be in danger, which is not unreasonable, but they’ll also be in danger if she’s convicted of treason. If she’s free, at least, Mary might keep them alive and hostage in an attempt to lure Jane in. Once Jane’s dead, there’s no reason to keep them around, right? After all, her mother and sisters have royal blood as well, and could therefore be claimants to the throne, just as Jane was.

Guildford’s ready to stay with her, but it’ll be pretty hard to explain how a horse got into her bedroom come morning, so she shoves him towards the window so he doesn’t get captured again. He considers going for all of three seconds, then turns back around so they can make use of the bed that’s right there.

Afterwards, Jane admits that she knows his mother was killed by Ethians and she’s really sorry about that. He tells her it was his fault, actually. The family was travelling back from court and were attacked, and he was scared and changed for the first time. He blacked out and when he came to, his father told him the Ethians killed her. Guildford believed him at first but then started having dreams that he was responsible. And he started to believe that not being able to control his change was some kind of punishment. His father never confirmed or denied that Guildford killed his mother, and Guildford’s glad of that because he’s a coward.

Jane tells him quite firmly that he is not a coward, because would a coward risk his life to try and rescue her? (Maybe you should show your appreciation by going with him, Jane!)

She tells him that there’s still the trial, and even though he knows it’ll be a farce, she still thinks there’s a chance. At worst, he and her family might be allowed to live.

One of the guards starts to come in, and while Jane distracts him, Guildford slips back out the window.

Besties from hell

Frances is shown to Mary’s rooms and is met with the disturbing sight of Mary and Margaret sitting side-by-side, dressed identically. Well, now all that costume malarkey’s paid off: Margaret almost never fitted with her family, but here she is, Mary’s exact mirror. The little psycho found her place.

Mary announces that Frances is going to be her new Groom of the Stool, which was a highly prestigious position but, yes, did indeed involve poop. Frances can’t refuse, because, again, highly prestigious position, so she thanks Mary and tries not to throw up.

Never give up, never surrender

Stan’s done with all the grownups’ BS and is heading off to help Guildford, even if it means they both die. I’ll just take this moment to point out that Stan, usually very put-together and definitely quite the dandy, has taken on the very Guildford-esque style of black boots, unbuttoned doublet, and floppy hair, and I don’t think that’s an accident. He’s team Brothers Dudley, now, and his father is totally outside of all this, in his impractical court clothes.

Stan accuses his father of having treated Guildford horribly and demands to know why he won’t help. Dudley admits he’s scared, and Stan says he is too, but that’s ok, feelings are fine! He says that when he and Guildford were boys, they had a saying: Dudleys never say ‘die’. Dudley seems to like that.

The trial of Lady Jane Grey

Jane’s trial begins, to the strains of ‘Dark Horse’ by The Velveteers, which might just be the best needle drop of all in a show full of them. Hats off to the music supervisor, they really earned their paycheck on this one.

Worth noting: Seymour’s absent from the trial.

Norfolk presides and accuses Jane of having seized the crown from the legitimate heir, which is an act of high treason punishable by hanging, drawing, and quartering. Mary tries to get a round of applause going for that, but the crowd seems uncomfortable.

Once Norfolk’s done nattering on and going into gruesome detail about how Jane should be executed, she stands and speaks up for herself. She reminds everyone that Edward named her his heir, and that it was his divine right to do so. She didn’t want it, but she was bound by law to follow his orders as king. She reminds everyone in the room that they all bowed to her and called her queen, so if she’s a traitor, they are too.

Mary tries to claim that the will was a forgery, but Elizabeth calls her out on the lie and refuses to shut up when Mary tells her to. She swears that Edward named Jane his heir and urges the lords to consider what they would have done in her place: ignored the wishes of their king, or dutifully accept with grace and dignity?

As Frances starts up a (much more popular) round of applause in Jane’s honour, Elizabeth goes on to say that Jane was loyal and good. The crowd loves it. Frances blows her daughter a kiss.

Mary melts down so thoroughly that Norfolk has the guards take Jane away until Mary can calm down.

Plan B

Norfolk urges Mary to put Jane back under house arrest until they can figure out what to do with her.

But then! Seymour comes in and tells Mary that he can fix this. He has some information that will be very useful to her. He’ll only cough it up if she agrees to marry him, though. She agrees, impatiently, and tells him to spit it out.

France and Scotland? Seriously?

Charles brings some clothes for Edward, so he can sneak into the palace. Fitz tells him this is where they part, because he’s not willing to risk his life for some girl he doesn’t even know. Edward tells him fine, leave, then, and Fitz does. Edward seems sad.

He goes and hides out in the room that Jane just happens to be taken to. She runs to embrace him, delighted that he’s alive.

Edward plans to go reveal himself to the court, and they’ll put him back on the throne and everything will be fine, just fine! Jane doesn’t think anyone will reinstate him because everyone thinks he’s dead and Mary’s a murderous psychopath who’ll probably just kill him right then and there and nobody will lift a finger to stop her. Is that true, though? The courtiers will all recognise Edward, and no body was ever found, so I don’t think it’d be too big a stretch for him to say he was kidnapped but managed to escape and is now back to reclaim his throne. At the very least, it would give all the nobility pause. He is, after all, a man.

Jane’s sure that Mary will just banish her. Has she met Mary?

Anyway, Jane thinks she’s got this trial all sewn up, which is dumb, because if she thinks Mary could get away with murdering Edward in front of the whole court, she could definitely get away with killing Jane, verdict or no. She’s sure, however, that Mary will just banish her. Has she met Mary?

She advises Edward to raise an army to retake the throne, because she has, at least, learned the lesson that you need firm backing in this job. Edward’s idea, ludicrously, is to turn to either Scotland or France, two countries that were such bitter enemies of England at the time that they turned to each other for an alliance. Great plan, Edward!

Anyway, he plans to return with an army, retake the throne, and strike down these division laws. Jane is pleased.

Alice in chains

Edward emerges from the palace and heads for the nearest exit, running into Fitz on the way.

Edward’s still hurt about Fitz abandoning him but Fitz has some explaining to do: Seymour has his sister, Alice, locked up in his Ethian zoo. Fitz had been hoping to trade Edward for her, but when he had the chance, at the palace gates earlier, he couldn’t go through with it. Looks like someone caught feelings!

And so has Edward. He and kisses Fitz, and then Fitz kisses him. Aww.

So close!

Jane is found innocent. Hurrah! Frances almost cries with happiness.

But! Mary sails in, smirking, and summons in Seymour, followed by guards dragging Rupert the groom. Oh, Rupert. Seymour tells him to speak up and Rupert, the traitor, admits that Guildford is an Ethian. This means Jane’s been harbouring an Ethian in violation of the division laws (which she struck down, but whatever), and the punishment for that is death.

Frances shrieks that this is a lie and urges Jane to tell them that it’s a lie. Seriously, Jane, now’s the time to lie your face off.

Seriously, Jane, now’s the time to lie your face off.

Well, it wouldn’t matter anyway, because they captured Guildford too, and now he’s brought into the throne room, in his horse form. Seymour says they caught him near Jane’s house and Rupert was kind enough to tell them who the horse really was. Rupert pipes up that the guards said they would hurt Guildford if he didn’t speak up. Yes, Rupert, but now they’ll execute him, so he was screwed either way, right? Sorry, but you suck.

Frances is still trying hard to salvage this, calling everyone bonkers and saying this is just a horse.

But Jane risks spoiling everything by running over to horse Guildford, teary eyed, begging Mary to leave him alone. Jane!

She’s dragged away, just as the sun sets in record time and Guildford turns back into a human. He and Jane are forced to their knees, facing each other, and he whispers that he’s sorry. Her face says, ‘It’s fine, I forgive you.’ Because of course she does.