Watching My Lady Jane: Episode 8 recap

All's well that ends well, right?

Chain Jane

Jane is taken to the Tower in chains, looking like she’s trying very hard not to cry. She eyes the scaffold as she passes, remembering the last time she was here. Frances brought her, as a child, to watch Catherine Howard’s execution. God, most mothers take their daughters out to tea or shopping or something on their days out. At least Frances had the sense and kindness to cover Jane’s eyes before the axe fell, spattering the front row with the blood of a teenage grooming victim.

Worth noting that Catherine Howard would have been close to Jane’s current age when she was executed.

Jane’s taken to a cell and asks the guards if they know where her husband’s being held. They tell her nothing and leave her. She starts looking around for anything she can use to her advantage and finds a loose bar on her window.

When the guards return, she tries to make friends with them and recommends an allergy treatment for one (George). George’s fellow guard warns him not to talk to the prisoner, lest she pull a Bishop Flambard and use him to escape. Jane asks again about Guildford and George whispers to her that he’s not there. She thanks him.

Bolted

There’s a mob outside the palace, chanting for Jane’s release and really harshing the vibe on the picnic/Ethian hunting party Mary’s throwing on the other side of the wall. The garden, horrifyingly, is littered with the bodies of animals that were, presumably, also people.

Mary grabs a crossbow and calls for a nearby guard to release the blindfolded man he’s holding. The man tries to run away, but she quickly dispatches him with a crossbow bolt. Norfolk is horrified, Katherine looks like she’s about to be sick, and even Margaret is gaping in shock. Oh, what, Margaret? I thought you wanted all the Ethians dead. Not so fun when it’s happening right in front of you, is it?

Also: I’m starting to feel like this show’s body count is starting to reach Dexter levels. We’ve seen a LOT of people die.

This show’s body count is starting to reach Dexter levels

Norfolk warns Mary that these bloodthirsty games aren’t going over so well with the commoners, not that Mary cares.

Mary next has Elizabeth brought forward, blindfolded, and tells her to start running. Elizabeth does, and Mary shoots but deliberately misses.

This is all too much for Norfolk, who yells at Mary to stop and get it together. He tries to walk it back, but Mary shoots him in the chest. Guess she doesn’t have his soldiers on her side anymore.

Frances steps forward, all ‘Nice shot, can I have a word?’

Oh, sure, now she wants to escape

Jane starts chiselling at the loose bar with the sharp end of a spoon she’s been given. She pulls the bar aside but then realises she’s several stories up, and it’s a sheer drop. If she tries to get down, she’ll die. Shame she didn’t take the opportunity to escape when her husband was standing next to an open window she could easily climb out of, offering to help her get away.

Frances is shown in and tells Jane she’s made a deal with Mary: if Jane denounces Guildford and Ethianism, she’ll be free. Pfft, like you can take Mary’s word for it on anything.

Jane, of course, won’t do it. She asks after Guildford and Frances tells her that Seymour has him. That’s not great news, and Frances can’t believe that Jane’s upset to hear this, considering Frances blames Guildford for Jane being in prison.

If Jane denounces Guildford and Ethianism, she’ll be free. Pfft, like you can take Mary’s word for it on anything.

Jane snaps that Frances is the reason she’s in prison (which actually isn’t all that accurate, unless it’s because Frances brokered the marriage in the first place, but she didn’t know Guildford was Ethian and wouldn’t have done so if she had, so I don’t know that this can really be laid at her door, TBH). Frances shouts right back for Jane to grow up and take some responsibility: part of the reason she’s here is because she pushed the country too far. Jane thinks the country wants change and it’s the nobles who were pushed too far. Unfortunately, you need those nobles to stay in power, Jane, so maybe you should have been a tad more cautious.

Frances takes some blame, saying she made Jane smart but weak, not letting her see the nastiness and brutality of the world. This from the woman who took her 6-year-old to a public execution.

Jane says she’s not weak, she just isn’t cold, unloving, and unlovable. Ouch, Jane. Frances informs her daughter that she does, in fact, love. And now she’s begging her daughter not to be such a loser and take the deal.

Man, Frances and Dudley really are two peas in a pod, aren’t they? They’ve both lost spouses and experienced immense grief as a result that seriously affected them. They’re both, to all of us, terrible parents who did awful things to their children and definitely messed them up, but they do love them, in a way that feels a little twisted, and are desperate to protect them, working within the restrictions of the world around them to try and keep them safe. And their kids don’t see it at all, they only see that they’re being forced into marriages or hidden away, without really stopping to understand that those things do, in this world, keep them safe. Ish.

Anyway, Jane tells her mother to go back to Mary and tell her Jane wants to see Guildford.

Arson, murder, and jaywalking

Guildford’s locked up in Seymour’s secret Ethian prison/zoo. He calls for a guard, but the prisoner next door warns him not to attract their attention. Guess who this is? It’s Alice! You know, Fitz’s sister? She tells him this is a secret prison they’re in.

Later, Seymour comes to see him and offers to let him live. But, you know, he’ll have to live in this prison where they do all kinds of fun things: Spying, arson, assassinations, and medical research!

Guildford's only interested in being a guinea pig when it’s a cute brunette experimenting on him

Some of the research is around finding an Ethian cure, which of course is one of Guildford’s special interests. But he’s only interested in being a guinea pig when it’s a cute brunette experimenting on him, and anyway, he’s come around on this idea that there is, in fact, no cure. Guess the Beast Trader scared him straight on that one.

Seymour says he’s facing a painful death alongside his wife and Guildford’s like, ‘Fine, at least I’ll get to see Jane one last time.’

Is this a Godfather reference? Didn’t see that coming.

The guards come to fetch Jane down to the stables, where she thinks she’s going to see Guildford. Instead, she finds a lot of blood and a horse’s severed head. Wow, this show goes kinda hard, doesn’t it?

She starts screaming and crying, and then Mary comes in, mocking her grief, and tells her this is all a prank. Gotcha! Is this some stupid thing Mary saw on TikTok? Because that’s where most horrible, stupid, thoughtless ‘pranks’ seem to come from these days.

This isn’t Guildford, it’s just some poor random horse Mary had beheaded for LOLs. Jane rightly calls Mary evil and Mary tells her she’s going to cut off Jane’s head and everyone she’s ever met will gather to watch her beheading for sport. She offers to spare Guildford, though, if Jane reads a statement aloud in public. Come on, Jane, you know she won’t actually spare him. This is a woman who’s repeatedly said she intends to exterminate all the Ethians!

Jane, thankfully not totally stupid, says she can’t trust Mary, and Mary’s like, ‘Yeah, you’re right, you can’t.’

Animal House

Edward and Fitz head to the Ethian encampment, as Lemony Narrator reflects on the fact that life as outlaws is horrible. It means hunger, misery, and camping. I see Lemony and I have similar thoughts on camping trips.

Susannah spots Edward and immediately recognises him, despite the fact that it’s very unlikely she ever would have seen him in person, unless he maybe came to visit Jane a lot, out in the countryside. A few other people recognise him too, which kind of discounts Jane’s claim last week that the members of the court wouldn’t recognise him for who he was, or believe he was Edward.

I hate Archer

Archer rocks up, and Edward tells him and Susannah that he needs help rescuing Jane. Susannah seems to be in favour, but Archer of course, still won’t lift a finger to help anyone else or, indeed, the Ethians he’s presumably the leader of, because Archer sucks. He tells Edward to go rally the nobles (his ‘own people’) but Fitz says there’s no time for that.

Edward tries to win Archer over by reminding them that Mary is planning an Ethian genocide, Jane’s great, and Edward will fight for the Ethians and give them equal rights once he’s back on the throne.

Nah, Archer’s not interested. I hate Archer.

Later, he notices that Susannah seems a bit sad, and he says he can’t justify sacrificing a hundred Ethians to save Jane. Who said you have to sacrifice a hundred of them? Who said you had to sacrifice anyone, really? You guys can turn into all sorts of animals, surely you can use that to come up with a cunning, fairly low-risk plan?

Susannah reminds him that Jane fought for them, and that the other members of the Pack know that and like her. Archer tells her that the Scots are coming to take the throne, so they have other things to think about.

Outside, Edward opines that he’s useless in every way. Fitz reminds Edward that he punched a nun in the face to save Fitz’s life, so he’s not useless at all. But sitting around whining isn’t getting anything done. If he wants to save Jane and retake the kingdom, he should do it. Edward eyes—Susannah, I think? A banner? I dunno—and says he might have an idea.

Nopelope

William Seymour catches Katherine out in the garden and seems interested in a little action. William, read the room! Her sister’s just been arrested and condemned to death!

Katherine tells him to buzz off, because he’s related to Seymour and Seymour’s the worst. William says he would have warned her that his dad was coming back with a whole army if he knew, but we already know those two basically don’t interact, so…

William asks her to run away with him, saying they can go to Switzerland or Naples or somewhere his father’s spies can’t find them. Katherine turns him down, because her sister’s about to be beheaded and all, and that’s not the time to elope, you know?

You are kind, smart, and important

Jane practices this speech Mary’s given her, which is all about how awesome she thinks killing all the Ethians would be. George the guard comes in and tells her that she’s not sounding very convincing. If she wants to save her husband, she needs to really sell it. She wonders why he cares, and he tells her about a cousin of his who was an Ethian and things didn’t go so well for him. But maybe Guildford has a chance?

Jane begs him to get a message to Guildford telling him she doesn’t mean a word of this. Why is she even thinking of giving this speech? She knows Mary’s not trustworthy! And just look at the actual words she’s having Jane say: they’re calling for Ethian extermination! That means Guildford! This whole thing feels like such a weird waste of time.

George seems like he’s willing to help, but then the more senior guard comes along and yanks George out of there.

At the palace, Mary excitedly tells Frances she has such a spectacle planned for Guildford’s execution. Margaret’s surprised to hear this, since she thought Mary promised Jane she’d spare his life. Mary tells her she has a lot to learn about politics (and being a terrible person).

There’s kind of a lot of padding in this episode, I’m not going to lie

Margaret wastes no time getting herself over to the Tower to tell Jane Mary lied and plans to execute Jane and Guildford together. Did Jane really need Margaret to tell her that? There’s kind of a lot of padding in this episode, I’m not going to lie.

Jane tells Margaret she’s a smart, sharp, fiery little imp, which is an extremely kind way to describe this enfant terrible. She goes on to tell her sister to remember to be kind and expect people to be good. Rich coming from someone who’s been pretty well bashed about by all the not-so-good people around her for most of her life. I mean, that’s not the best advice, honestly. I think it’s good to hope people will be good, but don’t necessarily expect it, that’s how you end up getting taken advantage of. A lot.

They embrace and agree that Mary sucks.

Take my hand in marriage

Prince Philip of Spain has sent Mary a gift: a severed arm from Spain’s last Ethian. Philip hunted them to extinction and now wants to do the same in England, as Mary’s husband.

Seymour is not happy to hear that Mary’s planning to accept this proposal, because Seymour’s an idiot who keeps thinking that Mary will keep her promises even though she breaks them all the time. Why does anybody trust Mary? Have they not been paying attention?

Anyway: Mary has another bride lined up for Seymour—Katherine Grey!

Neither Katherine nor Seymour are fond of this idea, though Seymour seems resigned. Mary tells them they’re going to be one big (messed up) family. ‘All’s well that ends well. Someone should write that down,’ she adds. Yes, perhaps they should make it the title of a play about a female herbalist and healer whose husband is forced to marry her against his will, and he’s a total jerk and a reprobate, but comes around in the end. There’s an idea.

Katherine stomps out and Frances follows, telling her to do her duty to save her family. Katherine refuses, gives her mother a double bird, collects William and tells him she’s down with running off and marrying him.

Kiss of death

Jane realises she needs to do something, anything. She moves the loose bar in her window aside and leans dangerously far out so she can harvest a bit of moss growing on the stone wall. She uses this apparently poisonous moss to mix up a neurotoxin, then tells the guards to take her to the palace so she can read Mary’s statement.

Once she arrives, she takes a moment to dab some of the toxin on her lips and says that before she can read the statement, she must beg forgiveness from Mary, with a kiss, as is customary. She almost gets there, but Mary shoves her away.

Jane rubs off the neurotoxin (yet more padding, that) and gives her own speech acknowledging that she made mistakes as queen and has some flaws, but the truth is those in power want everyone to hate Ethians so they aren’t focussing on the real problems. If only we could think of some real-world examples of this. Thank God we don’t live in such an awful fantasy world, eh?

Prison break

Stan and Dudley sneak up to the Tower, Stan grousing a bit about how they have to disguise themselves as peasants. Dudley tells him to stop worrying about his clothes.

The two of them surprise some guards taking a toilet break, knocking them out and stealing their armour.

Thus disguised, they sneak into Seymour’s secret Ethian prison and find Guildford, who can’t believe they’re here. He thought his father wasn’t on board for these sorts of daring rescues. Ah, no. Dudley’s totally on board risking his life to rescue his own kid, it’s just other people’s he’s not willing to go out on a limb for.

Stan finds Seymour, knocks him out with a helmeted headbutt to the face, and gets the key that unlocks all the cells. They spring Guildford, who then wastes precious time trying to convince Alice to leave. She refuses, and this goes on way too long until Guildford, hearing more guards coming, hands her the key and tells her to at least consider freeing herself and the other Ethians.

Seymour and three guards are hot on the Dudleys’ heels. Guildford, being a fool with way too much bravado, tells his father and brother to run. He grabs his father’s sword and says he’ll take care of this. Take on three men by yourself, Guildford? You couldn’t even beat Jane, remember? Also: there are three of you, and three of them. Keep your father and brother around as backup at least! These people are TERRIBLE at keeping themselves alive!

These people are TERRIBLE at keeping themselves alive!

Dudley refuses to go, but Guildford says he already has enough family death on his conscience. That’s when Dudley decides this is the right time to tell Guildford what really happened with his mother: yes, he killed her, but it was totally an accident. Horses, you know, are kinda unwieldy and a horse that was a terrified young teen boy a few seconds ago is probably more prone to spooking and freaking out than your average equine. Anyway, he tells Guildford that he sent him away because he was consumed by grief and didn’t know what to do. He urges his son to forgive himself, because his mother loved him. Guildford thanks him. I can’t fathom why Dudley didn’t tell him this before this point, like when Guildford first started asking him about those dreams.

Seymour and the guards come in, and Guildford hustles his father and brother the other way. Seymour says he’ll take Guildford on himself, so the two guards just take a knee.

What follows is… a really ludicrous fight scene. I’m not going to lie, this was hilarious in a bad way. At one point, Guildford does a front dive somersault and then a bunch of backflips to retrieve his sword. It’s not great.

But Guildford finally manages to disarm Seymour, so Seymour calls for the two guards that have been standing there this whole time and of course they grab Guildford. Well, that was a lot of wasted effort and risk on Stan and Dudley’s parts. And a whole lot of screentime that added up to nothing at all. Padding!

The poisoned chalice

Jane ponders a laundry list of women who died: Catherine Howard, Anne Boleyn (whom Lemony mistakenly claims hired her own executioner—Henry hired the executioner), Margaret Pole, Anne Askew (fun fact! One of the earliest known female poets to compose in English), Elizabeth Barton. None of them had great ends.

She hears one of the guards outside her door leave, which means only George, her buddy guard, is left behind. She asks him if he can bring her some wine, and he’s happy to do so, telling her she should really consider getting hammered.

He brings back some French wine and Jane invites him to join her in a drink. While his back’s turned, she adds some of that neurotoxin to his cup. Damn, Jane. I’d like to remind you that he’s not the only guard at the Tower: even if you escape him, there are others at the doors and the gates you’ll have to get past, and I don’t think you can trick them all into drinking poison.

At any rate, because this is Jane and all, her conscience gets to her and she knocks the cup out of his hand before he can drink.

Jane takes a good swig of wine herself, then tells George to tell the other guards that she’ll be ready.

This climax is brought to you by Alfred Hitchcock

Night falls and the executions are upon us. It’s a real party atmosphere, and as Mary promised, almost everyone Jane knows is there. Mary marches in with Seymour, Margaret, Frances, and Elizabeth. Guildford’s already tied up to a stake, ready to be burned. Seymour smirks at him as he passes.

As everyone takes their seats, Seymour asks where Katherine is. Frances says she’s on her way.

Jane is brought out, dressed in a white gown, which I’m going to assume is a reference to this painting:

Guildford shouts for her, but she can’t hear him. Margaret looks glum as Jane passes her. Frances is sorrowful, Mary is gleeful.

Jane mounts the scaffold and looks across the heads of the crowd at Guildford, flashing over their whole relationship and regretting that she never told him she loved him.

The executioner asks if she forgives him, and Jane’s all, ‘Hell, no.’ Fair. I always wondered what happened if the condemned did not forgive the executioner. I’m assuming the execution went forward but the axeman felt really badly about it afterward.

Jane’s blindfolded and feels her way to the block, laying her head down and trying not to look terrified. The executioner lifts the axe…

…and Susannah the hawk comes screeching out of the sky and takes out the guy’s eyes. For some reason, he thinks it’s a great idea to blindly wave his axe around, trying to hit Susanna, but he gets himself in the leg instead. Yeah, he’s not recovering from that in the 1550s.

Hundreds of birds rain down from the sky, attacking the crowd and creating chaos, as Susannah takes off Jane’s blindfold (Jane, for some reason, didn’t think to do this herself). Jane embraces her friend, grateful.

Mary screams for Guildford to be burned, and Jane rushes through the panicked crowd towards him. It’s extreme chaos, between the birds and random people (Ethians, maybe?) attacking the guards.

Dudley and Stan emerge from… somewhere and join the melee. Frances yells for Jane to duck just in time for her to miss a guard’s attack. She shoves a few more guards out of the way and leaps on to Guildford’s already burning pyre. He tells her to get off, because she’ll burn, but she’s determined to try and save him, jabbing at the ropes binding his hands with the giant pin that was holding up her hair. It’s not working, and she’s crying with frustration. Guildford tells her to leave him and she tells him she’ll never do that, because she loves him. He tells her he loves her too, and they start making out on a burning pyre. Geez, you two.

Also: I guess Jane is magic, because she seems oddly impervious to flame. Or smoke.

Guildford gets a look on his face and tells Jane to get out of the way. She steps aside (as much as she can) and Guildford transforms at will into his horse form. Yay! Jane leaps onto his back (sorry, but her slow-mo jump was kind of a ridiculous shot) and they begin to gallop off. Susannah sees this and cheers them on, Mary screams for the guards to go after her, and Stan and Dudley clear a path so they can gallop out of the Tower. They’re free!

That’s the power of love

Let’s wrap this up!

Mary is still queen, and most vexed, screaming at everyone.

Elizabeth’s an Ethian fox!

Stan’s stripping his shirt off for a rather pleased-looking Frances.

Katherine and William secretly get married.

Edward and Fitz are getting it on.

And Jane and Guildford are making out again, but in daylight, which they can do because he can control his change! Hurrah! So, I guess Jane did cure him after all, sort of.

He asks where they should spend the rest of their lives, and has a few ideas, including Constantinople, which has a great library, so Jane would love it. But Jane refuses to run away, and also her mother and sisters (well, one sister, at least) are still under Mary’s control, so she needs to do something about that. She tells Guildford he doesn’t have to go with her, and he looks at her like she’s crazy and tells her of course he’s coming with her.

And that’s it! Jane and Guildford literally ride off into the sunrise together, and all that setup for season two is for naught, because the show got cancelled, and that makes me kind of sad. It was a fun romp, very much along the lines of The Great, and I’ll miss it. Yeah, there was definitely some narrative wheel-spinning at the end there, but who amongst us hasn’t been guilty of that?

Now I have to find something else to watch. Is A Discovery of Witches any good?